Get a Life....I'm Sleeping.

What do we honestly know about cats? The short answer to this question is quite simply, nothing. But do not fret! I have some helpful insights into the mind of a cat that should help you to better understand yours….before it’s too late.

Cats are without a doubt the most self assured creatures ever to grace our clean laundry piles with their sheddings…and for that we should be grateful. This innate confidence is probably the result of their inborn knowledge that they are decedents of tigers, or perhaps simply because they know that they were blessed with good looks and soft fur. They tolerate being “owned” for the sole reason that they have not yet developed working thumbs and therefore cannot open a can of fancy feast on their own. However, This is not to say that they couldn’t, and in fact, they all seem to be confident that if they had felt the desire, they probably could have figured it out in a day or two….but since you offered….

The general life philosophy practiced by cats is, “Life is too short to come when called…especially when you say ‘here kitty, kitty’ in that offensive and derogatory manner….moron.” but what you will also notice here is that this philosophy applies only to the majority of situations with a few important exceptions:

1. When it is time to be fed (or so perceived by cat)– no cat is immune to the sound of can opener first thing in the morning….and if you are not quick about putting the food on the floor you may find that a small portion of you thigh is an adequate substitute.
2. When you leave the front door open- this only applies to housecats. once a cat’s claws are removed, a he instantaneously develops ‘open door sonar’. This exchange is the only way a cat can be willing convinced to give up his claws.
3. When a houseguest happens to be allergic to cats. – perhaps this is a direct result of the predatory instinct, but for some reason having allergies marks your guest as ‘the slow elk’ and are of course the immediate target of hours of affectionate rubbing…especially in the eye region.
4. When you are wearing wool/ dark colors. - A cat’s way of complimenting you on your wardrobe is to integrate himself into it. It is considered to be a great honor in most cat societies to shed on one another and cats take it as a personal affront if you even CONSIDER purchasing a lint roller…you fool.
5. When the cat has done something really gross to your carpet, jacket, laundry, shoes, bedding or the like – the word ‘Guilt’ does not exist for cats.

You will notice that I did not mention in the above one important situation : when you want them to. This is because a cat is not your dog, and if you think he is, this is not your cat’s problem, nor will he expend any energy feeling sorry for you…after all, didn’t he already demonstrate his affection for you by shedding on your new wool sweater?

To be continued….after my nap.