The Landlubber's Guide to Aquatics

It always seems like such a good idea at the time- something simple, easy to take care of, and fun to appreciate. I am of course talking about that great American past time of fish keeping. Goldfish have always been the amateur hobbyist's leaping point. (much to the dismay of all goldfish kind...) So inexpensive that all you really need is a mason jar and ten cents you dug out of the couch cushions. You simply transport the little guy home in his baggie and toss him in some sort of fluid, (water preferably....although in my experience if you get the "bullet-proof" variety 2% milk works just well.) and then watch him swim.

Conceptually speaking, you can hardly get more simple than this, and maybe for some of you the same thing holds true in practice, however, I have never been this lucky. My experiences in fish keeping have been strange, rarely textbook, and probably more closely related to an underwater rendition of Days of Our Lives.

I am Laura, an Amateur fish keeper, and here is my story....

My saga begins some six years ago with two miss-matched foster-fish I inherited from my niece Hannah, who, with help from her cousin Alex, attempted to feed the pair of them blue play-doh. The fish observed this with wide eyes (possibly due to fear, although they observe everything with wide eyes because the don't really have any eyelids) and gaping mouths. Thankfully it wasn't the end for theses two poisoned amigos, and when my sister Kris arrived on the scene to see two guilty looking children with blue fingers and no writing on the walls, she knew something was amiss. she deftly rescued the fish, who were originally named Ernie and Bert, but soon both became known as 'Clay', and sent them to live at my house. Mom was not really thrilled with this arrangement, but Dad and I couldn't be happier. I think it was alway's Kris's intention to eventually take the fish back, although that arrangement was soon forgotten.

these fish were hardly grateful for being rescued, and indeed probably not even aware that they had been pulled back from the brink at all. they just continued to swim around staring wide eyed and open mouthed into space, contemplating whatever it is that fish contemplate (probably just fantasizing about learning how to grow teeth and lungs so they would be able to raid the refrigerator...) for days on end. their lack of real activity did not put us off however, and within the week dad and I had bought them a fancy foliage print background, and taped it to the back side of the tank, so that they would feel as if they were at home ....in the Congo. they swam around with what Dad and I imagined to be looks of great fishy delight, although, truth be told fishy delight looks very similar to fishy indifference. From this initial purchase, there began this gradual shift towards obsession at our house. soon we had turned their humble tank into a guady fish paradise, complete with natural river stone, three different filtration systems, a greenhouse full of plastic plant life, rock caves, and no fishing signs. The ambiance created by the lighting system was such that at night we had to unplug it so it would not disturb the neighbors. It was a great Tank.

Then, we bought a new tank. Suddenly we had doubled our fish keeping capacity, and we now had twenty gallons of aquatic euphoria. When we released clay and clay into their new home their reaction was wide-eyed open mouthed amazement, or possibly shock, or possibly depression, or possibly just '....huh?'. nevertheless, our spirits where not dampened and it became clear to us that we could now expand our population. So, we immediately rushed to the largest aquatic pets store we could find. As soon as we walked through the door we knew we had come to the right place. the air was foggy, and you felt as if you needed gills or a wet suit to be allowed in. we looked at the myriad of creatures floating around looking at us with wide eyes and in the end ended up purchasing a grand total of eight new additions to our tank (much like Noah's ark, nothing could be without a mate.) when we got home, we tossed four more goldfish into the tank, two fiddler crabs, and two African clawed frogs. The frogs kicked their way around the tank, and the crabs scuttled, and the fish looked at us with wide eyes and open mouths, and our tank was spectacular....for the short while it lasted.

you see in our great hurry to buy all these creatures we forgot ask if they were compatible with each other. two days after our masterpiece of a tank began, we noticed that two of our fancy new goldfish had vanished. At first we thought that they were hiding....until we saw th lonely fin lying at the bottom of the tank. It was clearly a homicide, but we couldn't be sure who had done it. was it the jealous rage of the two clays, who loathed sharing their water, and the lime light with the newcomers? or was it the hungry frogs with their big smiles and quick legs? or was it the crabs, who were clearly irritated with the antics of the fish swimming directly overhead? we'll find out in the next post....my hands are tired.