Breeding program? No, I just let her out of the truck at Westminster....

I turned on the television this morning, and was delightfully surprised to find that there was a televised broadcast of the Westminster Kennel Club's annual Dog show. As most of you know, Animals are kind of my "thing", so it's not really all that surprising that this made me unreasonably happy. Some of you (and when I say some I mean all of you) probably have never had the opportunity (or possibly stomach)to watch the Westminster. Which is probably fine, and I’m sure you are not missing out on any great life fulfilling experience here, but just so we are on the same page, I will describe it to you. Basically when you watch a dog show, you are simply watching a slow moving carousel of various dog breeds that you’ve never even heard of, (or breeds that you personally have owned in some fashion, although the dog you had looked more similar to an ungroomed yak then what they claim your breed to is supposed to look like) trailed by a much less attractive handler, usually wearing shoes that look as though they came straight out of the “As Seen on T.V.” catalog. These dogs are all EXTREMELY obedient and never once try to sniff the various ‘target’ regions of the other dogs or handlers in the ring with them. In my professional opinion (I, being a person who has known a dog or two) this is nothing short of a miracle. The dogs are so CLEAN!! These are the kind of dogs that would not even consider sitting on one of our couches for fear of getting people hair on THEIR coats… in fact I think these dogs, in addition to eating better than you or I do, probably earn more money as well. It’s a ruff life.

Anyway, this got me thinking about all of the real life dogs I know (and own). Just the Idea of any of them standing in a ring beside any of the Westminster dogs is not only laughable, but probably outlawed in many countries. This is why I think that what we need is a new division in the Westminster show, and we’d call it….drum roll please….the farm dog division! Basically it would be a division for all of the “other” dogs of the world, open to all those “mystery” breeds, whose origins we are AT MOST, only fifty percent sure about.. although exceptions would be made for purebred freaks. This category will be for the real dogs we know, and mostly love, who are usually naughty, smell like a fine aged dead thing, and really, are just downright vulgar. We need to show the world just how good for nothing our dogs really are…not just for us, but for our neighbors, who keep threatening to shoot them if they turn up on their property again. It’s not fair that we only recognize dogs that are pretty and well mannered, we need to give the world something to compare with.

The class would have this wonderful “come as you are” feel to it, and nobody would be embarrassed by the actions of their dog, because these actions would be rewarded with points! In fact, points would also be GIVEN for awful crimes of smell committed by your dog. Dogs would be encouraged to do as they usually do back home with regards to methods of greeting. Collars and leashes are frowned upon in this division, for two reasons; 1. They may cover any point earning poop stains, and 2. They are restricting, and may enhance the dogs looks. A single class could last as long as three days after the judging is complete, because none of the dogs have names that are not at least partially profane, and also none of them would have a collar on. In the end, the ring would just be this mass of handlers diving at their respective animals, while the crowed “Oooo’s” and “ahh’s”… it’ll be a real spectator sport.

So everybody bring your champions, and lets show the world what a real dog is.